Co-Dependency

An unhealthy level of attachment to another to the point where one's own sense of self becomes dependent on the others state of being

We humans have been struggling with how to relate to each other in a healthy balanced way for as long as we have existed. We are an interdependent species which is a good thing, but sometimes is goes too far..

1 Corinthians 7: 30-32

“Those who weep or who rejoice or who buy things should not be absorbed by their weeping or their joy or their possessions. Those who use the things of the world should not become attached to them. For this world as we know it will soon pass away. I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him.”

The point of this section of the letter to Corinth is for Paul to address some questions he received about marriage and relationships. He caveats this whole section with a big warning - this is only his opinion it is not a law or word from God, it is his opinion only, so keep this in mind. But he is a very observant and smart fellow and he notices that when people get into relationships problems can easily arise. He noticed some patterns, it is what we now in modern times refer to as co-dependency, which at a deeper level is a form of idolatry.

According to the oxford dictionary co-dependency ‘is characterized by excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner’. It goes on to say ‘co-dependents confuse caretaking and sacrifice with loyalty and love’. According to the work of Melodie Beattie a codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior and conversely their own behavior becomes controlled and dependent on other peoples behavior.  It is an exhausting loop to be caught in. I know, because it has been my hamster wheel.

Basically in my own paraphrased definition and understanding it is summed up by the thought ‘my mood and state of being is dependent on yours’. I am happy if ‘you’ are happy. If ‘you’ aren't this is upsetting and I will go about trying to fix, solve, get involved, interfere, give unsolicited advice, take responsibility for, enable, rescue, help etc.. Sounds exhausting right? All of this over’ing’ is to ‘help’ ‘you’ get into a better state of mind, mood or being.  This is a pattern of behavior that many of us engage it and we don’t even know it. Again as it states in the definition from Oxford ‘co-dependents confuse caretaking and sacrifice with loyalty and love’. It is a generational curse that gets passed down from generation to generation.

So if you are a ‘people pleaser’ to the extreme, welcome to the club! If you often find yourself overwhelmed, anxious, judgy, perfectionistic, fearful, over functioning, often resentful and or frustrated you might want to learn more about co-dependency. This is at the root of many dysfunctional relationships, addictions and coping behaviors and habits. Ironically it also creates dependency in others as well and under functioning. Over functioners and co-dependencts unintentionally enable, and ‘rob’ others of their own agency, feelings of capability, learning their own lessons etc.. People can fall in to being ‘victims’ of each other and then blame and shame get invited to this toxic party.

I would like to reassure you that there should be no shame in this game. We are all just doing the best we can with what we know, what we have learned and been taught. But when you know better, you will likely be invited by your own conscience to do better. This takes a lot of courage to look at yourself honestly in this way. When you can see the shadow side of all your niceness, kindness, serving, sacrificial giving for what it really is at times:- manipulation, dishonesty, martyrdom and love with strings attached. You can understand why it is so confusing.

Beyond being vulnerable to being co-dependent with other people we can be co-dependent with many other things in life. We can make our happiness or contentment dependent on the acquisition of material goods, status, emotional states and moods. He addresses all of this which is the ego trying to stay safe in the physical world. He is inviting us to a much more satisfying life which is freedom in the Love of God that can be found only through Christ. Everything else is a distraction and can lead to confusion.

When I was finally able to get my mind and heart clear by putting my wine habit down, I started to be able to wipe the fog off of my own mirror and see myself in a new way. It takes honesty - and it will feel brutal at first. This is deep ❤️work, but it leads to freedom and independence, which allows me to depend on God and live in inter dependence with my loved ones. This will always be part of my journey and inner work. I have not arrived by any means - I will always have to be ‘on guard’ with this in myself. As a peacemaker I love me some peace and happiness and I am violently allergic to conflict. But I have learned that to have true peace in the bigger picture of life, I need to lean into conflict on almost a daily basis. The irony!

Are you familiar with the concept of co-dependency? How did this message resonate with you?